How to Force Your Dismissive Avoidant Partner to Be Vulnerable and Expressive

Some simple tips and tricks.

For those of you who clicked on this article because you want to use tips and tricks to force your partner to open up and learn how to communicate with you, please do me a favor.

Stick your hand out. I hope it hurts because I just slapped it.

Okay, I will meet you in the middle. You can slap mine back for the clickbait title, but stick with me.

You have to reframe your logic about your dismissive avoidant partner.

You are not the judge, jury, and executioner in the position to diagnose your partner and set the guidelines for their transition.

My point is that every dismissive avoidant is not made equal.

They’re not all emotionless brick walls, incapable of communication and vulnerability. Yes, those are all direct quotes and descriptions from people in my comment section.

Imagine being the partner of someone who talks about you in that fashion and developing the desire to improve for them.

Do you see what I am getting at?

The tips and tricks you want don’t center around controlling your partner and their journey. It’s about understanding their behaviors and characteristics and responding positively.

I can help you with that. Understand this is a marathon, not a sprint. If you have a partner committed to making changes to reset the relationship, then they deserve your grace.

Trick 1

When you’re working with your dismissive-avoidant, your approach is failing because you view them through the lens you live through.

Imagine starting your fitness journey, and a trainer tells you, “It’s easy. Change your diet, fix your sleep cycle, do cardio, lift weights, track your macros, follow your resting heart rate, and do high-intensity activities.”

Cool, I’ll get right on that.

You cannot approach your partner with the idea that opening up, being vulnerable and expressive, and being able to process in the moment is easy because they are at a different starting point than you.

Break it into digestible pieces to work on and create a process and development plan your partner sees as feasible.

How do I get my partner started?

Instead of looking at them and targeting their deficiencies, propose the solution and end goal that it will promote in your relationship and the benefits that it will bring to them as an individual. Then break it down into tasks that can build to making the pyramid.

It’s similar to losing weight. If I want to lose fifty pounds, the end goal sounds more overbearing than day one of figuring out which food items I should eliminate.

What can I start with as a day one objective for my partner?

Set a new activity where you do a daily check-in and take ten minutes to discuss your day and explore a “feeling of the day.”

Again, a starting point. You’re not going to lose fifty pounds tomorrow.

The same story

Do you want to know what makes a conversation difficult and sometimes awkward?

It’s hard to talk when you’re talking to someone who isn’t relatable and tries to force the progression of the conversation.

You fail with your partner because you force actions and ideas on them instead of guiding the flow of the conversation in a direction where someone feels comfortable expressing and matching the energy you’re bringing to the conversation.

The next time you talk to your avoidant partner and want to elicit a form of expression or propose an open conversation, bring something relatable to the topic.

For example, if you want to share a story about something that made you nervous or rushed, ask your partner if an event or action makes them feel the same way.

You can draw information out of your partner without forcing them to.

Dismissive avoidants aren’t the best at processing and understanding the emotional weight of an experience, so when they tell you something, it sounds short, dry, and to the point.

Don’t go your usual route of trying to dig and pry more information out of them. Be relatable. Share a similar story and propose the feeling it gave you. Leave it there.

You are creating a comfortable environment where your partner will feel like they can say something without being interrogated with questions afterward. As time passes, they will be receptive to questions you ask.

Middleground

Do you want to know something I rarely hear in coaching calls and comments?

What flaws do others bring to the table that make the relationship with their dismissive-avoidant partner in a state needing restructuring and repair?

I generally hear stories about how they are the perfect angel who hasn’t done anything wrong and always responds perfectly, and their partner is at the center of all the issues.

You’ve done it. Don’t try to talk your way around it.

Your partner is more likely to feel supported in their transition when they understand what you are doing to meet them in the middle.

Let’s play a scenario where you are the perfect securely attached person and happen to be with an avoidant.

You can still create a space where you discuss meeting them in the middle to help them develop.

Instead of instantaneous conversations when an issue arises, can you create a space where you both take an hour to process and return to the table with an objective?

Instead of pointing your finger and telling them they aren’t expressive, can you mention when they were and show gratitude and build on those moments?

Can you mention a time when you had some anxiety about an issue and approached them before you had time to self-soothe?

Do you see the environment I am trying to create?

You have to allow your partner time and space to meet you at the development point you want them to achieve.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com for details.