How to Stop Your Fearful Avoidant Partner’s Hot and Cold Behavior
The proper way to respond.
Let me paint a scenario for you to set up the article.
You have a partner, and it seems like the relationship goes through a constant series of seesaw behavior.
One day, it seems like they can’t live without you. On other days, it feels like you don’t exist.
You might feel like you’re the only person caught in this scenario, but the good and bad news is you’re not alone.
We run into this behavior when dealing with a partner with tendencies and characteristics of the fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Fortunately, I have some tips for navigating this behavior and developing a system for a corrective course.
For those new to my writing, I include some fine print.
I do not write for individuals not moving toward a secure attachment style. I also do not write for people who use my material as evidence to use against their partner.
Your partner is on a journey that takes months to years of corrective action, and anyone working to develop deserves some time working with a supportive partner.
The good thing is that’s you!
Don’t worry. I’m not handing out free passes to your partner. The challenge goes both ways, so your partner must show up for you. You don’t have to feel guilty for putting them to the test.
The confrontation
I know the title gets you excited because you finally get to approach your partner and confront this behavior.
Let’s go!
OK, calm down. That approach is a surefire way to get your partner to shut down for good.
The first action you should take is to let your partner know what the actions do to the dynamic and how it affects both of you.
The conversation cannot be, “You do x, and it makes me feel y.”
The fearful-avoidant leans toward two mindsets. They lean toward avoidant and anxious.
When they feel like they are the center of attention and the culprit for the dysfunction in the relationship, they will lean avoidant and distance themselves from the perceived drama.
When they feel like they are overwhelmed with the feeling of causing you pain, they will feel anxious, and it will cause them to go through a roller coaster of emotions and fall apart.
The middle ground is to develop a communication method centered around the couple.
For those who have read my articles, it is the we, us, and our method.
Your sentence structure needs to start and end with how the dynamic is damaged when the couple does not have solid grounding.
“When we don’t spend intimate time together doing activities we enjoy, our connection takes a hit.”
Is better than
“You canceled our plans for no reason, and it doesn’t feel like you care.”
While both sentences might be valid, the word structure can generate two different outcomes.
The hot
The next step(s) is to work on your reactions to each set of behaviors. The hot and cold equates to each side of the behavior spectrum. The hot is the anxious side, and the cold is the avoidant.
Dealing with the hot begins with understanding anxious behavior at its core.
It is about a desire for attachment and the fear of abandonment.
The hot behavior feels good because your partner is reaching out, making plans to see you, and communicating.
Just because it feels good does not mean it’s a healthy behavior.
I do not want to kill the sincerity behind those actions, but it can be more about their desire to avoid the feeling of not having an attachment to a relationship and less about the health of the dynamic.
Don’t feed into these attempts to get close only to be disappointed by the distancing.
Make sure your boundaries are clear and communicate the feeling that you can be overwhelmed by the inconsistency.
Another system you can implement is to add time between interactions or plans. Your partner might bombard you with excitement about something they want to do that day, but you can shift those plans forward a few days or a week.
It’s not manipulative. It keeps your partner committed and not caught up in the momentary sway to “hot” behavior with you.
The cold
Now for the fun stuff.
When your partner goes cold, it can feel like they are shoving you out of their life, and that fun-loving person who was all over you has put on a different mask.
Now, they are on the avoidant side. It feels personal and makes you feel like you are at fault.
The best thing you can do is not overreact.
You’d think someone who leans anxious and avoidant wouldn’t be shocked by anxious behaviors from their partner. That is not true for the fearful-avoidant.
Their dismissive side sees anxious behaviors as needy, and when their partner desires connection, it can come off like “work.”
While I am not taking sides, you’re not crazy for wanting a connection with your partner.
The fearful-avoidant needs time to recharge, and they accomplish that in solidarity.
Your optimal reaction is to recognize that alone time is manageable as long as there is communication and a schedule to reconnect.
Your partner does not get a free pass where they pick you up and put you down when they want to play.
You do not make yourself accessible for that.
You can meet “cold” with distance as well. Again, we are not being manipulative with our actions.
The worst thing you can do is “fight” the need for alone time. It will only make your partner want it more.
The boundary needs to be in place for how long alone time is and what happens when it is over.
Do not make yourself readily available when alone time is over. You are not on your partner’s timetable.
This approach will let your partner subconsciously understand that there is no gold waiting at the end of the rainbow…their alone time.
Your response can produce the outcome you want if you’re prepared with the understanding of your partner’s behavior.
While breaking this down in an article is impossible, I have plenty of material on fearful avoidants that will give you more insight.
Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you'd like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com for details.