You Can Make Your Avoidant Partner Want to Connect with this Method
No tricks
Do you ever wonder what you can do to bring your partner in and form a deeper bond and connection?
It seems like you’re putting so much energy into something that should be easy when working with someone who cares about you as much as you care about them.
Hold on. I know the frustration can build over time, but what if I told you that it’s less about your partner’s desire for you and more about restructuring your approach?
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. You deserve a partner who is equally engaging, communicative, interested, and dedicated to the relationship.
Whether you believe it or not, that person sits across from you even when it doesn’t feel like it.
When you restructure your approach, it becomes mindblowing how you can extract the partner “you wish you had” from the person you think you’re struggling with.
Your partner can meet you on the path toward forming a deep connection.
We feel like our partner is rejecting us at times and almost stonewalling us when we are trying to move closer, but they are facing an internal battle, and their struggle lies within, although it feels projected toward us.
Logic vs. Emotion
By now, we should know that one of the more frequent struggles with an avoidant is communication.
It feels like you’re walking on eggshells when you approach them, or you think you’ll be met with the avoidant wall.
The problem you’re encountering is the logic vs. emotion approach.
You should be able to approach your partner with anything at any time and receive a positive, receptive response.
We know this approach will cause the avoidant to shut down. Although it feels like your partner is rejecting you, they’re feeling their inability to meet you in an emotional state.
When you reframe your approach from a logical standpoint instead of an emotional frame, they will be receptive and work through problems with you instead of shutting down.
What does that look like?
Let’s say your partner hasn’t taken you on a date in a while, and the relationship feels stagnant.
An emotional approach would be, “You used to take me out, and now it feels like you don’t even care about spending time with me and taking me out for dates. I want more.”
A logical approach would be, “What do you think about having a date night every week? It would remove any pressure around remembering to spend more intentional time together.”
You think you have to add more volume to get the point across to your partner. They’ll be more receptive to this approach.
When approached with a topic they can process and see value in, they will feel obligated to meet you logically.
Lights, camera…
There is an idea we have to use to snowball from our last bullet point. Your partner likes it when ideas and topics are clear for them.
Your partner also likes being approached with ideas that we present well.
How often do we approach our partner with an idea and don’t follow it with an action item?
Let’s use the example from above again and snowball it into an action item.
It is great to communicate that you want to go on more dates.
What about the type of things you want to do on those dates?
For example, if you tell your partner you want to go on more dates, and every Friday, they take you out to dinner, eventually that will get boring.
They will feel like they covered the bases for “taking you on more dates,” but you will feel like they’re falling short.
Now, both of you are frustrated.
What did you really want? You wanted to spend time together doing a mix of finding new restaurants, seeing intimate live music venues, doing crafts, and taking walks.
Draw the picture for your partner.
Outer space
Take a deep breath with me because this last topic is something we always have to discuss with the avoidant.
Alone time.
I know you are doing your best to respect your partner’s need for space while also communicating your need to feel cared for and prioritized.
You can meet both needs!
You can respect your partner’s need for alone time by recognizing that it is not personal space away from you, but rather their method to recharge, process, and reengage with the relationship.
Guess what?
When it is not alone time, it is your time.
“Yes, you can have your alone time, you can have your space, but when we are together these are the boundaries around what we will do with that time.”
When you show you are receptive to giving your partner space, they will be receptive to what they have to do in return to show up for you and the relationship.
It sounds like a trick, but it’s not. It’s compromise and meeting in the middle.
Create your “rules,” or boundaries for what intentional time means.
No phones? No television? A specific day?
Make your list. Compromise goes both ways.
Want to learn more about Dismissive avoidants and their triggers? Get a free guide here.
If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.