The Split: Why Dismissive Avoidants Don’t See Through Your Lens
Understand the psychological incompatibility.
I sat down and had to think about something recently. As I have been writing about attachment theory, I wanted to review my thoughts and consider some points that annoy me.
One of my most prevalent findings is that I cannot stand when people defend avoidants. They are constantly putting themselves first and not considering others; they are the sole cause of relationships falling apart, and it is usually “them” who need drastic change, while others just need a few minor tweaks.
There are two people in this world: those who are nodding their heads in agreement, and those who wouldn’t fall for an intro like that.
Yes, if you thought I was going to hop on the bandwagon of putting avoidants in the dirt, you came to the wrong place.
The common misconception about avoidants is that they aren’t misunderstood because we all look through a different lens of understanding.
That does not mean I am disqualifying an experience you might have had, but it does mean it is important to understand the views of the avoidant before we hop on the bandwagon and grab our pitchforks. After all, you contributed to the relationship, too, for better or worse.
A little disclaimer that I will be blunt about for both sides-I don’t write for those who are not working on their attachment style, so if you were in a relationship with an avoidant unwilling to change, I feel for you. On the flip side, if you willingly stayed in an unhealthy relationship…
Let’s take a peek through a new lens.
A beautiful engagement
I can already take a stab at how conversations go with you and your partner when you attempt to go beyond the surface-level conversations you usually have.
Your partner probably contributes little to nothing to the conversation, or they shut the momentum down before it can start.
Have you ever been asleep and heard your alarm go off and started sprinting out the door to run a 5k?
Well, that is what is happening in the avoidant mind when they are expected to engage in conversations that go beyond the surface level.
It isn’t necessarily the case that your partner wants to shut you down and reject you, but these conversations feel extremely hyper-accelerated and invasive.
I get it. Through your lens, you’re trying to show curiosity, build a connection, and learn more about your partner’s thoughts and beliefs.
Your partner feels like you are trying to pry open a door they put a lock on.
Moments of vulnerability and expression don’t come easily for the avoidant.
Another layer is the expectation or delivery you’d like from an avoidant. When they do open up to any degree, it isn’t a long-winded novel-length story or explanation. Something as simple as “that was tough” could be the summary of something you’d be comfortable talking about for five minutes straight.
What’s the result? You throw the label on them that they’re closed off, not opening up, and don’t share with you. That is only adding locks to a door with a padlock on it.
Creep Away
By now, we all know avoidants need their alone time, and in tough moments, they can go into isolation mode.
It feels like they are pushing away from you and want nothing to do with you.
The truth is that their retreat to isolation is their retreat to safety. Let’s flip this and use anxious individuals as an example. When there are moments of turmoil, their comfort zone is to pull closer and engage at the moment of discomfort before they spiral. That doesn’t make them right for doing so.
The avoidant retreat to isolation is not about shoving you out of the picture.
Avoidants have to use this time to process what they are experiencing because they are not emotionally reactive, meaning you are more likely to see an avoidant dismiss themselves than engage in the emotional dump.
An avoidant is using this time to think independently without influence because they have always had the view of having to problem solve on their own. They feel weak when they are working through a problem with someone else because they are not shaping their reality on their own.
The more you pull in, the more they will push away. That push is the signal that they feel their need for space isn’t being respected.
I will play devil’s advocate here. Avoidants should work through their need for independent time by giving their partner a view of what that looks like, i.e., where, when, and why. They don’t see space and isolation as a negative. They see it as an opportunity to return to their best selves. That is why they are bad at defining what that time looks like.
The recliner
Something all attachment styles need to understand about each other is that your comforts are generally someone else’s triggers.
Trigger-wise, for example, if two dismissive-avoidants are together and something is swept under the rug, it won’t necessarily bother either partner to take space and time, but if you place a dismissive-avoidant with a fearful-avoidant, that dismissive nature will cause the anxious side of the fearful avoidant to come alive.
Let’s flip it. Anxious preoccupied individuals don’t like to let time go between presenting a problem to someone, or it will spiral in their mind. Well, for a dismissive avoidant, that is an extreme trigger. It comes off as a pressure-filled situation. Again, neither person is right in their approach. The anxious individual should work through some of the issues to see which they have the power to change, and which can be received from their partner, and the avoidant shouldn’t need SparkNotes to have a conversation.
Your comforts are often your partner’s triggers, and vice versa.
Instead of scoffing at your partner, why not look through the lens of their experience?
“Insert name, is probably overwhelmed by this conversation. I should give them a small, not overly charged preview of what I would like to talk about and give them time to think and designate a time when we will return to the conversation.”
Do you see how you are bridging the gap in your needs and finding a mutually beneficial solution? It’s because you took your partner’s lens into consideration.
That is what opens the door to presenting your needs to your partner so they can understand your lens as well.
The push-pull, power struggle dynamic will fail 100% of the time.
Read that last line again.
Wrap up
Look, I am not telling you that your partner’s actions are justified and you should throw your needs out the window, but your views and responses are not the same right now.
It is highly improbable that you will see changes without adjusting your approach. If you don’t want to, I won’t fight you on it, but I guarantee you will not get the result you are looking for in the timeframe that you’d like.
Open your imagination to the idea that you are dealing with someone who better be progressing toward change, or I don’t know why you are with them, but needs you to see their position isn’t about rejecting YOU.
Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.
If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.
But humans are meant for connection. I think many people who have been involved with an avoidant have tried to understand and work with their nervous system, pulling back, giving space, even when it felt unfair and unnatural. But the truth is: as mammals, connection is wired into us from birth (see the "Still Face Experiment "). Escalating trying to obtain connection is a biological imperative hardwired into our infantile nervous system. Many of us understand something went awry in early developmental stages with "avoidants," but our "anxious" response is biological hardwired and normal, as is the escalation of it when we are met with withdrawal or silence. These two attachment "styles," while yes, incompatible, cannot be equally pathologized. If avoidants are more comfortable with other avoidants, then screening for that would benefit everyone.
as someone in the 'mist' of a downward spiraling relationship between an Avoidant and an Anxious, i appreciate the conversation. my avoidant wife was more open, more vulnerable, in the first 4-5 years of our relationship. she put all her energy into our relationship. i saw it. i felt it! sex yes. but overall intimacy was part of her MO. touching, bonding, talking, sharing practically everything. now, there's been a 180° change in her behavior. 2025 was bad and only got worse. we just started marriage counseling last week. we have been on the brink of divorce for almost a year now. she will not and does not ~ ever ~ talk about the relationship. as an anxious person and an introvert, this does not compute for me. it does not make sense to me. i understand that neither approach is right. theoretically one isn't better than the other. is it fair that one partner is completely closed off, gives no explanation, shows no interest in the other nor the relationship itself?? while living an ostensibly separate, private, secret, life? the problem with living with an Avoidant is, how can you tell the difference between their maladaptive behavior and, that same person's simply not giving a shit anymore? because to me it looks the same! and there comes a point when the giver gets sick (to the stomach) and tired of making excuses for the taker.