But humans are meant for connection. I think many people who have been involved with an avoidant have tried to understand and work with their nervous system, pulling back, giving space, even when it felt unfair and unnatural. But the truth is: as mammals, connection is wired into us from birth (see the "Still Face Experiment "). Escalating trying to obtain connection is a biological imperative hardwired into our infantile nervous system. Many of us understand something went awry in early developmental stages with "avoidants," but our "anxious" response is biological hardwired and normal, as is the escalation of it when we are met with withdrawal or silence. These two attachment "styles," while yes, incompatible, cannot be equally pathologized. If avoidants are more comfortable with other avoidants, then screening for that would benefit everyone.
While I agree with what you’re saying there is a slight misconception and view that the anxious person is “in the right” via their actions/reactions. While we are wired for connection we are not wired to perceive personal value in someone else’s capacity to connect with us. There are times when the anxious persons attempt to close the gap is more about their need to not feel lonely and abandoned than it is for the health of the relationship. Albeit, I write for those actively working on their attachment style, there is a lot of room for each person in that dynamic to work on their behaviors. It would be the same as saying anxious partners should pair when often those relationships are the most codependent.
Please consider the research into mammalian attachment and watch the YouTube video I suggested. We are innately biologically wired for attunement, communication, and connection. What gets termed "anxious" is a response to avoidant pathology. What so-called "anxious" individuals need to learn is that it is to stop trying to connect with avoidants the way humans are innately wired to connect. If one doesn't put value on connection, then they should stop trying. These behaviors are not the same. Avoidance perpetuates avoidance. And let's consider where this has gotten the world we live in.
I don’t see the parallel here. The still face experiment is about caregiver and infant development. Yes, attachment styles derive from those experiences however it would be like comparing an adult to an infant in their ability for developing a new set of behavioral reactions. E.g. it would be to say that same experiment would work on a full grown adult. Your interpersonal / sexual/ intimate relationships aren’t 1:1 with your caregiver relationships.
A baby is learning from observation. An adult has the cognitive ability to decipher. Which is why I say you’re not dependent on an avoidants ability for connection to feel “connected.” You can say “this person does not have the capacity” and have no low self worth value. It’s a choice. One anxious individuals struggle to make - which is why they pull in and fight the distance.
I agree with that but when someone presents with normal attachment and bonding behaviors but then goes completely awol without even allowing a repair to take place, it triggers that primal place in those of us that were wired for that mutuality and reciprocity.
And if what you're saying is true: that our interpersonal / sexual/ intimate relationships aren't 1:1 with caregiver relationships, isn't that in fact the paradigm that avoidants are operating under when they behave the way they do and pull away to "self- soothe" and protect?
We are all deeply wired from the attunement and care we received in infancy. But turning away from the connection/repair process is more pathological and harmful to human connection than someone reaching for it when it is withheld and denied.
as someone in the 'mist' of a downward spiraling relationship between an Avoidant and an Anxious, i appreciate the conversation. my avoidant wife was more open, more vulnerable, in the first 4-5 years of our relationship. she put all her energy into our relationship. i saw it. i felt it! sex yes. but overall intimacy was part of her MO. touching, bonding, talking, sharing practically everything. now, there's been a 180° change in her behavior. 2025 was bad and only got worse. we just started marriage counseling last week. we have been on the brink of divorce for almost a year now. she will not and does not ~ ever ~ talk about the relationship. as an anxious person and an introvert, this does not compute for me. it does not make sense to me. i understand that neither approach is right. theoretically one isn't better than the other. is it fair that one partner is completely closed off, gives no explanation, shows no interest in the other nor the relationship itself?? while living an ostensibly separate, private, secret, life? the problem with living with an Avoidant is, how can you tell the difference between their maladaptive behavior and, that same person's simply not giving a shit anymore? because to me it looks the same! and there comes a point when the giver gets sick (to the stomach) and tired of making excuses for the taker.
But humans are meant for connection. I think many people who have been involved with an avoidant have tried to understand and work with their nervous system, pulling back, giving space, even when it felt unfair and unnatural. But the truth is: as mammals, connection is wired into us from birth (see the "Still Face Experiment "). Escalating trying to obtain connection is a biological imperative hardwired into our infantile nervous system. Many of us understand something went awry in early developmental stages with "avoidants," but our "anxious" response is biological hardwired and normal, as is the escalation of it when we are met with withdrawal or silence. These two attachment "styles," while yes, incompatible, cannot be equally pathologized. If avoidants are more comfortable with other avoidants, then screening for that would benefit everyone.
While I agree with what you’re saying there is a slight misconception and view that the anxious person is “in the right” via their actions/reactions. While we are wired for connection we are not wired to perceive personal value in someone else’s capacity to connect with us. There are times when the anxious persons attempt to close the gap is more about their need to not feel lonely and abandoned than it is for the health of the relationship. Albeit, I write for those actively working on their attachment style, there is a lot of room for each person in that dynamic to work on their behaviors. It would be the same as saying anxious partners should pair when often those relationships are the most codependent.
Please consider the research into mammalian attachment and watch the YouTube video I suggested. We are innately biologically wired for attunement, communication, and connection. What gets termed "anxious" is a response to avoidant pathology. What so-called "anxious" individuals need to learn is that it is to stop trying to connect with avoidants the way humans are innately wired to connect. If one doesn't put value on connection, then they should stop trying. These behaviors are not the same. Avoidance perpetuates avoidance. And let's consider where this has gotten the world we live in.
I don’t see the parallel here. The still face experiment is about caregiver and infant development. Yes, attachment styles derive from those experiences however it would be like comparing an adult to an infant in their ability for developing a new set of behavioral reactions. E.g. it would be to say that same experiment would work on a full grown adult. Your interpersonal / sexual/ intimate relationships aren’t 1:1 with your caregiver relationships.
A baby is learning from observation. An adult has the cognitive ability to decipher. Which is why I say you’re not dependent on an avoidants ability for connection to feel “connected.” You can say “this person does not have the capacity” and have no low self worth value. It’s a choice. One anxious individuals struggle to make - which is why they pull in and fight the distance.
I agree with that but when someone presents with normal attachment and bonding behaviors but then goes completely awol without even allowing a repair to take place, it triggers that primal place in those of us that were wired for that mutuality and reciprocity.
And if what you're saying is true: that our interpersonal / sexual/ intimate relationships aren't 1:1 with caregiver relationships, isn't that in fact the paradigm that avoidants are operating under when they behave the way they do and pull away to "self- soothe" and protect?
We are all deeply wired from the attunement and care we received in infancy. But turning away from the connection/repair process is more pathological and harmful to human connection than someone reaching for it when it is withheld and denied.
as someone in the 'mist' of a downward spiraling relationship between an Avoidant and an Anxious, i appreciate the conversation. my avoidant wife was more open, more vulnerable, in the first 4-5 years of our relationship. she put all her energy into our relationship. i saw it. i felt it! sex yes. but overall intimacy was part of her MO. touching, bonding, talking, sharing practically everything. now, there's been a 180° change in her behavior. 2025 was bad and only got worse. we just started marriage counseling last week. we have been on the brink of divorce for almost a year now. she will not and does not ~ ever ~ talk about the relationship. as an anxious person and an introvert, this does not compute for me. it does not make sense to me. i understand that neither approach is right. theoretically one isn't better than the other. is it fair that one partner is completely closed off, gives no explanation, shows no interest in the other nor the relationship itself?? while living an ostensibly separate, private, secret, life? the problem with living with an Avoidant is, how can you tell the difference between their maladaptive behavior and, that same person's simply not giving a shit anymore? because to me it looks the same! and there comes a point when the giver gets sick (to the stomach) and tired of making excuses for the taker.